Naturally Undone

I’m April.

Sitting in the car today, with you. I felt dead. I’ve never had that feeling around you. Sure I’ve been that way around other people for a while now. But you.. That person who takes me higher than I’ve ever felt before. You. There must be something wrong with me.

I don’t think writing has helped me. I see things inside of me I don’t want to see. I have more thoughts, that I don’t think should be thought. I’m going mentally insane. I don’t want to be around people.

No, this will not end well.

Polaroid Instant Film, is extremely different from digital cameras. Yes sure digital, is cheeper, more effective, simpler. But instant film is so cool, old, artistic. It’s my choice if I want to buy it and fill my wall with it.

Just please understand that I guess my inspiration, amazement, interests, are different than your. Just because our interest are different doesn’t mean mine our “Stupid” and “Pointless”.

This is one of many things they do to piss me the fuck off.

They are by far the funniest people I’ve ever met. Sure I’ve said one thing then done another sometimes. I’ll fess up to that. But the people that do it so much, or do it to something meaningful. Like you just are so fucking funny. Seriously. My point of view is why the fuck would I waste my time saying something I don’t do, but do it. Like why the fuck does it matter? No show, no mask, no act. This is me. Take it or leave it.

And really, if you don’t like me say it to my face, I’ll stay away from you, you stay away from me. Done. Finished. Why waste your time pretending to like me? Like I just don’t understand people. If you really hate me as much as you act like it, then tell me. Because I’m just done with stupid pointless people wasting my time.

Feeling extremely out of place in my family. I’ve heard people talk about “oh yeah I’m the different one in my family. Yeah I’m cool” if you really were, it far from cool. I wish there was something I had in common with them. Just something. I hate being at dinner and not even have a word said to me. I hate how they all sit and watch something together, and I’m stuck in my room. I hate how they think so much more of my brother than me.

Being different isn’t cool. Isn’t fun. The real truth about being different is that your out there on your own. Not one person to talk to, relate to, be there for you. Your just alone.

The more you tell me I’m a fuck up, the more I believe it. The more you tell me to move out, the more I’m tempted to run away. The more you tell me I’m going no where, the more I’m stuck here. The less love I feel from you, the more I cling on to others.

Maybe that’s the whole problem here. I’ve never felt a hint of fucking love from you people. You always expect so much from me, and give me nothing in return.

That’s the problem here. The more you push me away, the closer I become with him. Your the problem. Not me.

I need to loose weight. Bad. Like 20 pounds. Fast.

You give kids false impressions. A 20 year old guy in college is not worried about getting a first kiss from his girlfriend of a month. He’s worried about fucking her.

Come on. Get real.

I really don’t understand the act of some girls.

I can’t bring myself to cuss people out. When I make fun of someone it’s only someone that I know they’ll see I’m kidding. I don’t get the point of drama and bringing people down, for the stupidest reasons. We are all together trying to live our lives. Why fuck it up with bullshit beyond bullshit. I’m not saying we all have to be friends and be a great happy place. I just don’t see the point. Just don’t talk to them if you dint click. Stop the pointless drama. Grow up.

Is what I’m best at.